I try not to let things get to me but sometimes they just do.  Right now I am so very very busy and also trying to find time to study for 3 exams, and to top it off there was a lot of snow today so it was a slow slog in.  Just as I was finally enjoying my coffee and apple, I was told basically that so sad, too bad, we're rearranging things and you're not going to be doing web programming anymore.  I said something about having done this for 10 years and that I'm taking a Computer Science degree and of course it made no difference at all in a done deal.  How could I ever have that kind of influence?  I won't ever.

So all day I tried so very hard not to let it show how sad I felt about this.  I love doing this stuff, love it so much I am doing a degree in my spare time.  Now this isn't the first time something like this has happened, but it still hits just as hard.   Last time was being offered a job then being told in the interview, oh, you don't have a degree?  I said no, I have the equivalency test.  Nope.  Had to be a degree.  What degree?  Journalism?  Nope Just a degree, any degree.  That one angered me so much I did start getting my anything degree.  But here we are, not far from when I might be able get more opportunities in that area, my small portion of doing that is gone.  No chance of using what I know any more, no more creativity, no more fun intellectual challenge.

That was why, on my dark snowy road home, I did cry where no one could see me (I'm not a crier really) because I couldn't get beyond the 8 years later than the first slap, another slap in the head.  I'm beginning to believe that in my life, the closer I get to things the farther they go away.

Somebody tell me not to get depressed.  There just so many things that are eating at me, and now, given that I've seen an ugly side of where I live, lost something I dearly love doing, realized that moving home doesn't mean that people will be glad I'm here, and I thinking:  is this really where I should be at this point?  What is the meaning in all of this in the grand view of things?

I don't know but it does bring home yet again how much I give doesn't really matter to the people who make the decisions, so maybe I'm going to think about elsewhere where it's a little less expensive, a little less pressured, a place I can be a little more myself.  But if such a lovely place existed, where would it be?

Sigh.

And then, a not so little black lab puppy with his star toy in his mouth began making snow dog angels in the freshly fallen blanket in the back. That had me laughing again. 

On to another day.